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My 18 month old has this game he likes to play with me, whereby after a nappy change he stands on the change table, and at the count of three he leaps off and into my arms. For just a few milliseconds he is in mid-air with nothing holding onto him. However, if I try this game with my 2.5 year old, he will not let go of my arms while he jumps and says the whole time 'Be Carebul Mummy, Carebul Carebul' (Carebul in toddler language = Careful!). He never use to be like this - we have an awesome collection of photos of my husband throwing him high up into the air and catching him when he was about 6 months old and he loved it! 

It got me thinking...When do we stop trusting? Is it a learnt awareness that we are not immortal, that we can fall and get hurt? Is it from a developmental leap and a new understanding that unless your feet are planted firmly on the ground - then your possibly going to get hurt? Is it Fight or Flight kicking in? Or is it simply that our trust was placed in someone - only for them to break it?

I struggle with trust - I used to struggle with trusting the right people. I trust that a majority of people are trustworthy and that I try to always see the best in people. 

However, this has sometimes back fired - to soon discover that in fact the ones I trusted the most - were the ones who broke it the most. 

Now I struggle with trust full stop. I am now a stay at home mum, who spends her days raising her children, cleaning the house, cooking dinner and writing blogs. (Oh! how I would l love to squeeze in some time to paint! one day soon I hope!)
If people or friends in my everyday life ask how I am - I have learnt to smile and nod. When deep down I am battling with a lot of things. I have learnt to hold my cards very close to my chest - even though I want to scream at the top of my lungs that in fact I am struggling and I am lonely. I have learnt to no longer trust people with such information and so, when I play that game with my boy, I can't help but wonder what exact moment in time made me be this way? When did I stop trusting? 

Its not something I am going to figure out at this current time while writing this blog - its just something that I am pondering at the moment...I am amazed everyday at how the little people in our lives can unknowingly make us grow as people and heal from the past. They are only so little with still so much to teach me.

The Reflective Mum xx

 
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Who am I? Yes, I'm a mum, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend. But Who am I?

Before I had my children, my identity and self worth was so heavily entrenched in my career as teacher that when I became a mum I felt I lost all sense of self. I struggle with self esteem and self worth at the best of times, so to then loose what I thought was me as a person - a teacher, an educator. To then become a mum? someone who cleans pooey bums, wipes snotty noses and fills hungry tummies. 

I remember the day I gave birth to our first baby, I went from being a pregnant teacher to a mum within 8 hours. He was laying there all wrapped up in his bassinet and I thought 'Okay, what now?'. The first three months were immensely difficult to find myself as a person and my self worth. I went back to work later that year doing casual relief work and I found as soon as I stepped back into a classroom - even if it wasn't my subject area, I instantly knew my identity and felt worth again.

However, I am becoming to realise that perhaps it isn't about me having self worth in a career but to find it instead in the big blue eyes that look up at me everyday. The cuddles that are needed when they fall over and hurt themselves. I have realised I have been asking the wrong question, instead who am I to deserve such a previous gift as motherhood? Why me? 

Who am I, to be blessed with three beautiful children?
Who am I, to be blessed with receiving morning cuddles from these little people that God has entrusted me with?
Who am I, to be given the opportunity to guide my babies into caring, loving, accepting adults?

I now get it, self worth is not in our career or even the things we buy but instead our self worth is in God and our relationships with our family and friends. Perhaps we should listen to our children more, they seem to have a way of teaching us at times. 

The Reflective Mum xx

 
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My first child was the typical spoon fed baby from 4 months, I would spend hours a week chopping, steaming, pureeing a variety of foods. Dutifully feeding my little baby his meals for the day - with highchair, bib, spoon and mush ready to go. This happened until he was about 8 months where it became more chunky - but still being given his cutlery and not allowed to play with his food. 

By 12 months my baby was beginning to loose interest in food and had to be given more bottles of formula to make up what he clearly wasn't eating. And already being a small baby, I was worried about him loosing weight. Then one day - I just gave him chopped up food on his tray and let him play with it - eating with his fingers. I never looked back. 

When my second baby came along 12 months later - I had read more information into solids and decided to delay solids until 6 months. I could tell at 6 months he wasn't entirely ready, so I spent the next month looking into introducing solids. I came across baby led weaning. A method that is starting to change the ways mum feed their babies. When my second baby was 7 months, I steamed some veggies and placed them in front of him (thats right - no mush!). It took him a few goes to co-ordinate his hand to pick it up and get it in his mouth - but it was the beginning of a fun journey that I hadn't realised I was about to embark on. 

From that point, he would eat what we ate. He would play with his food, put it through his hair, throw it across the room, stuffed his cheeks full of grapes. We found introducing solids this time around so easy and so fun! not to mention so messy!

However, we have had some people close to us and within our family who are convinced our children will grow up with no table manners. Despite my best efforts to share with them the wonders of baby led weaning; it just hits a brick wall.

A few months back I watched this really interesting American show about battling childhood obesity - starting at how toddlers eat. One particular family had an 18 month old who refused to eat anything but fast food - which they gave him because they would rather him eat something then nothing. The dietician was in their home trying to sort out the issues with the child. It soon became evident that the parents were getting so fixated on him needing to use his fork and knife to pick up his food, that meal time was not a fun occasion. The need for table manners became the focus (a negative one at that) instead of him eating and enjoying his food. The dietician said something that I will always remember; She said 'Fun with food comes first, manners will come later.'

So, my two toddlers continue to play with their food, eat what they want from their tray, and throw it on the floor (they are now learning to pick it up though!), often letting kids be kids can have the most positive, long term affect. 

The Reflective Mum xx

 
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I have been blessed with two lovely toddlers who are 12 months apart. Its been nice watching them grow from little sleepy newborns - to little people who toddle behind my every step.

This journey doesn't come without its funny moments that just makes my heart melt with laughter. It also doesn't come without moments of trying to go to the toilet on my own!

They truly are a bundle of fun - even if they wake several times a night. The energy and warmth they bring to my home is unlike anything we have had before. All the delightful squealing, running around in circles, loud chuckles, contagious giggles, funny words and phrases, throwing their food instead of eating it, pulling all my clothes out of the drawers, taking a crayon to our walls definitely make for a entertaining day. Then as evening comes we might get the meltdown tantrums but soon after we get the warm, goodnight sleepy snuggles.  We love our little bundles of fun!
                                                                      
  The Reflective Mum xx

 
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My story is a very long one when it comes to breastfeeding that I will share parts of from time to time in my coming blogs - I have three children, and I have struggled to feed all three. It wasn't until after my second that I twigged that something just wasn't right. I ended up looking into IGT (Insufficient Glandular Tissue) - something I hadn't done before because everyone told there was no way I'd have it as a only a small percent of women have it and that I would have to be terribly unlucky. Once I went looking on good ol Google friend, I soon realised that in fact that is what I had. I have all the visual markers along with low supply when breastfeeding. 

In the time when I figured this out and having my third baby, I went through so many emotions from 'No, my breasts are fine, I'm just making up something thats not there' to ' Wow, my breasts are dud boobs - I can't feed my babies'. When I fell pregnant with number three, I joined a facebook group about IGT and chronic low supply mums. I learnt so much including every single remedy known to man to help boost supply. 

I also read about so many heartbreaking stories of mums so desperately wanting to breastfeed their babies they go to extreme lengths to experience the bonding that comes through breastfeeding. Some may say - 'You can get the same bonding through formula feeding', but unless you have experienced this type of loss - where it is taken away from you within the first few days or weeks without personal choice; its really hard to help people understand that it is a really heartbreaking thing to not being able to feed your baby. I do however have a few very close friends who have been by my side with all three children and have witnessed first hand the pain it causes - and through this they understand that this truly devastating to a mum - we get no choice. 

One thing that can help with breastfeeding with IGT is to have a drug free birth. So, I hired a doula (who was also an independent mid-wife) and planned a drug free birth. Our birth went almost to plan - it was a very fast one hour labour, but now a few months the other side of it - I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. I remember birthing on all fours - then they passed him to me through my legs, I was trembling and just so desperately wanted to hold him so close. Thank fully we have a photo of this moment - I still choke up when I see it. 

I fed and fed him, he was born a strong sucker who was instantly ravenous. While in he hospital he was my first baby to not loose more then 10%, so I went home thinking that maybe I had it wrong, maybe I could feed him. And I did - for 3 weeks, then he started urinating urates, and extremely hungry no matter how much I fed him. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to start comping him, so I chose donor milk from friends this time. Eventually we went to formula for a while and now at almost 3 months on we are getting donor milk most of the time and formula in between. I have stopped stressing about my supply, and I feed him on the breast every time before a bottle, and any other time he is unsettled and my favourite - I feed him to sleep. We have times where he doesn't have much comping and other days where I just can't keep up - no matter what I do. I am coming to terms that this is just how it is, and my lactation consultant said in a very supportive voice 'Comping might just be part of your breastfeeding relationship - not instead of'. So, I feed him all the time, and comp in between. I am enjoying getting to know him in a different way then I knew my other two. 

There are still days where I cry because he feeds and feeds and nothing comes. I think and wish that things were different. Why me? Why do I have to be in the 2% of women? Then I am reminded that all the trials in this life can always turn around to help to others. So, I share my story, my pain, my knowledge... 

The Reflective Mum xx