As a teenager I would watch pregnant people and think how cool they looked. I’m embarrassed to say it but I would stuff a toy up my jumper and mimic the pregnant walk and that awkward way pregnant people sit down holding their back. I thought those people were so cool and I couldn’t wait to have the pregnant look.
Now, I’d like to go back in time and slap some sense into myself. What a naive idiot I was. Once I got pregnant and started to experience the not so glamorous side of it, I couldn’t help but wonder if all the pregnant women had made some sort of pact to keep it all a secret, to ensure the population doesn’t cease to exist. I realise there are many people who genuinely enjoy pregnancy. I am not one of them. Does anyone else feel this way?
So how did it all start for me? Peeing on a stick. I can’t tell you how many sticks I’ve peed on. It would be a rather weird fetish if I wasn’t talking about pregnancy tests. After so many negative results I had come to hate peeing on the stupid sticks. I couldn’t bare to take another test that would surely end in disappointment. This particular time, I was encouraged by my Chinese lady to pee on yet another stick. When I say Chinese lady, picture someone that looks like Shapelle Corby who practices Chinese medicine. She said my pulse was slippery – whatever that means.
So I peed on the stupid stick. Almost immediately it very faintly showed up positive. But you’re supposed to wait a few minutes so I figured I should wait for the correct negative result to reveal itself. It still said positive. So I took it to hubby. He said, “Bull! I don’t believe it! I won’t believe it until I see a big belly.” Yeah, I didn’t believe it either. But I couldn’t stop staring at it. I’d never seen what a positive test looked like and it held my gaze for a while. We decided to suppress any excitement about this result and did our best to remain sad.
The next morning I called my doctor’s office and told them of the positive test. The nurse I spoke to asked me to come in for a blood test. She also got pretty excited, which annoyed me. Stop giving me false hope people. I’ve been down this road before and the more excited I get the faster I fall to an even harder landing.
When the nurse was taking my blood I asked, “So how accurate is a blood test?” She laughed at me and said, “If it says you’re pregnant, then you are.” I was really looking for a percentage, but ok.
I went back to work and anxiously waited for a call. It was two hours later when Gilbert called. Gilbert was the code name I had given my doctors office as I was keeping this all very private. I snatched my phone off my desk and ran into the nearest room for some privacy. I’ll never forget what she said to me. “You’re difinitely prignant,” in her Kiwi accent. Oh! I was shocked! Really? I didn’t know what to say, it was all a bit surreal.
Hubby then called me as he does most days, just to say hello because he misses me. I thought I was going to have to work hard to convince him of the validity of the blood test and I didn’t want to talk about it while I was at work. So later I sent him a text saying that I had the blood test done and asked if he would believe it. He called immediately and was like “So…?” I wasn’t sure if people could hear me so I was trying to be discreet.
Me: Yes.
Hubby: Yes what?
Me: I’m at work so I can’t exactly say.
Hubby: We’re pregnant?
Me: Yes.
“Wooooo hoooooooo!!!” I had to hold the phone away from my ear cause he was so loud. I still couldn’t get excited. It was early days and the skeptic in me wouldn’t allow such excitement.
We went for our first scan at six weeks. The doctor pointed on the screen to where the baby was and where the heart was beating. “Where?” I asked. It was hard to make anything out. Both hubby and the doctor kept pointing. Eventually I told them I could see it even though I couldn’t. When we left, my hubby laughed as he said “You couldn’t see anything could you?” “No.” He shook his head in disbelief as he said “Gees, as soon as I heard the heart beat, I was choking back tears.” Really?
At this point I should probably mention that in our marriage it’s my husband who is more in touch with his emotions. Sometimes we have a bit of a role reversal. You might say he’s a lot more nurturing than I am. So much so, that my own family members and even a friend suggested that he be the one to stay home with the baby instead of me. Hey, I suggested it also. He wouldn’t go for it. He said something about how kids need their mums. But what if their mum is me?!
Not long after our scan, the many side effects of pregnancy began to hit me. From about eight weeks through to the end of my pregnancy, I slept through the night maybe four times. This was mainly due to a raging hunger. Actually, it was worse than raging. There’s no word strong enough to describe how bad it was. It woke me up every night once sometimes twice, between 1am and 5am and it usually took a few Weet-bix to shut it up. And I would have to eat almost hourly throughout the day, which quickly made me the butt of every joke at work.
One night my husband and I got Thai for dinner from the local take away. Normally that would fill me up and that’s all I’d need until breakfast. But no… I ate it and felt like I’d eaten nothing. So I ate a banana. Bananas are heavy, that ought to top me up. Nup – still starving. Ok, I’ll try a piece of toast with avo. Bread is kinda heavy so that should do the trick? Nope. Ok, how about half a rockmelon? Nope. Ok, I’ll finish the rockmelon. Nope – I STILL felt like I hadn’t eaten anything. Maybe a punnet of strawberries will do the trick, after all I must be close to being full. No. No I was not nearly close. All the while hubby is telling me to stop fluffing around and have some freaking steak. But as a vegetarian, that was not an option. The fridge was quickly being emptied and I couldn’t stand the thought of eating MORE food. Hubby sat back in shock as I just kept downing food. He had never seen anything like this and his laughter actually triggered my outburst of tears. At this point he wasn’t sure if he should keep laughing or not. Through my blubbering tears I explained “I’m so hungry but I just can’t eat anymore.”
By the time my pregnancy was public, I had already put on 10 per cent of my starting weight thanks to my raging hunger. All the crippling side effects of pregnancy began to infiltrate my life. Speaking of crippling - leg cramps. They are the worst! I was still getting them in hospital after I’d had the baby! Swollen ankles, numb fingers, overheating and constant sweating which equals constant smelling really bad! I would often be greeted by my husband after work with “Hello stinky!” If I sat too close to my husband on the couch he would say “Can you move? I can feel the heat radiating from your body and it’s making me hot.” Gees! Am I not doing enough already? You move! :)
There are a million other side effects that contributed to my grouchiness throughout pregnancy, too many to list. One of my least favourite things about pregnancy was that all of a sudden everyone thinks they have the right to comment on your body. Especially strangers. “Oh you must be due any day now.” No, I still have two months to go. “Are you sure you don’t have two babies in there?” “Look at the stretch marks I have from when I was pregnant.” When you’re struggling to waddle around in the heat of summer, carrying a tonne of extra weight, the last thing you want is to be engaged in obligatory conversation with strangers.
The last week or two of pregnancy was the big killer for me. It was still quite hot, I was super uncomfortable and being the impatient person that I am, I absolutely HATED playing the waiting game. Everyday I would have people sending me messages or calling me asking if the baby was here yet. I’m sure I’ve done that to people before and I know they mean well, but it took everything within me to hold back my sarcasm. “Yes, I’ve had the baby, I just forgot to tell anyone.” I thought I was going to lose my mind. The plus side was that anytime I called hubby he would answer straight away! Normally if he was busy at work he wouldn’t answer, but I had him on standby 24 hours a day, which was kinda fun. Especially when I had insignificant questions to ask like “Can I wear one of your shirts?” Ha ha :). Anyway, the day arrived and my doctor said it was time to book me in for an induction. FINALLY bub was going to make his grand entrance into the world!
Now, I’d like to go back in time and slap some sense into myself. What a naive idiot I was. Once I got pregnant and started to experience the not so glamorous side of it, I couldn’t help but wonder if all the pregnant women had made some sort of pact to keep it all a secret, to ensure the population doesn’t cease to exist. I realise there are many people who genuinely enjoy pregnancy. I am not one of them. Does anyone else feel this way?
So how did it all start for me? Peeing on a stick. I can’t tell you how many sticks I’ve peed on. It would be a rather weird fetish if I wasn’t talking about pregnancy tests. After so many negative results I had come to hate peeing on the stupid sticks. I couldn’t bare to take another test that would surely end in disappointment. This particular time, I was encouraged by my Chinese lady to pee on yet another stick. When I say Chinese lady, picture someone that looks like Shapelle Corby who practices Chinese medicine. She said my pulse was slippery – whatever that means.
So I peed on the stupid stick. Almost immediately it very faintly showed up positive. But you’re supposed to wait a few minutes so I figured I should wait for the correct negative result to reveal itself. It still said positive. So I took it to hubby. He said, “Bull! I don’t believe it! I won’t believe it until I see a big belly.” Yeah, I didn’t believe it either. But I couldn’t stop staring at it. I’d never seen what a positive test looked like and it held my gaze for a while. We decided to suppress any excitement about this result and did our best to remain sad.
The next morning I called my doctor’s office and told them of the positive test. The nurse I spoke to asked me to come in for a blood test. She also got pretty excited, which annoyed me. Stop giving me false hope people. I’ve been down this road before and the more excited I get the faster I fall to an even harder landing.
When the nurse was taking my blood I asked, “So how accurate is a blood test?” She laughed at me and said, “If it says you’re pregnant, then you are.” I was really looking for a percentage, but ok.
I went back to work and anxiously waited for a call. It was two hours later when Gilbert called. Gilbert was the code name I had given my doctors office as I was keeping this all very private. I snatched my phone off my desk and ran into the nearest room for some privacy. I’ll never forget what she said to me. “You’re difinitely prignant,” in her Kiwi accent. Oh! I was shocked! Really? I didn’t know what to say, it was all a bit surreal.
Hubby then called me as he does most days, just to say hello because he misses me. I thought I was going to have to work hard to convince him of the validity of the blood test and I didn’t want to talk about it while I was at work. So later I sent him a text saying that I had the blood test done and asked if he would believe it. He called immediately and was like “So…?” I wasn’t sure if people could hear me so I was trying to be discreet.
Me: Yes.
Hubby: Yes what?
Me: I’m at work so I can’t exactly say.
Hubby: We’re pregnant?
Me: Yes.
“Wooooo hoooooooo!!!” I had to hold the phone away from my ear cause he was so loud. I still couldn’t get excited. It was early days and the skeptic in me wouldn’t allow such excitement.
We went for our first scan at six weeks. The doctor pointed on the screen to where the baby was and where the heart was beating. “Where?” I asked. It was hard to make anything out. Both hubby and the doctor kept pointing. Eventually I told them I could see it even though I couldn’t. When we left, my hubby laughed as he said “You couldn’t see anything could you?” “No.” He shook his head in disbelief as he said “Gees, as soon as I heard the heart beat, I was choking back tears.” Really?
At this point I should probably mention that in our marriage it’s my husband who is more in touch with his emotions. Sometimes we have a bit of a role reversal. You might say he’s a lot more nurturing than I am. So much so, that my own family members and even a friend suggested that he be the one to stay home with the baby instead of me. Hey, I suggested it also. He wouldn’t go for it. He said something about how kids need their mums. But what if their mum is me?!
Not long after our scan, the many side effects of pregnancy began to hit me. From about eight weeks through to the end of my pregnancy, I slept through the night maybe four times. This was mainly due to a raging hunger. Actually, it was worse than raging. There’s no word strong enough to describe how bad it was. It woke me up every night once sometimes twice, between 1am and 5am and it usually took a few Weet-bix to shut it up. And I would have to eat almost hourly throughout the day, which quickly made me the butt of every joke at work.
One night my husband and I got Thai for dinner from the local take away. Normally that would fill me up and that’s all I’d need until breakfast. But no… I ate it and felt like I’d eaten nothing. So I ate a banana. Bananas are heavy, that ought to top me up. Nup – still starving. Ok, I’ll try a piece of toast with avo. Bread is kinda heavy so that should do the trick? Nope. Ok, how about half a rockmelon? Nope. Ok, I’ll finish the rockmelon. Nope – I STILL felt like I hadn’t eaten anything. Maybe a punnet of strawberries will do the trick, after all I must be close to being full. No. No I was not nearly close. All the while hubby is telling me to stop fluffing around and have some freaking steak. But as a vegetarian, that was not an option. The fridge was quickly being emptied and I couldn’t stand the thought of eating MORE food. Hubby sat back in shock as I just kept downing food. He had never seen anything like this and his laughter actually triggered my outburst of tears. At this point he wasn’t sure if he should keep laughing or not. Through my blubbering tears I explained “I’m so hungry but I just can’t eat anymore.”
By the time my pregnancy was public, I had already put on 10 per cent of my starting weight thanks to my raging hunger. All the crippling side effects of pregnancy began to infiltrate my life. Speaking of crippling - leg cramps. They are the worst! I was still getting them in hospital after I’d had the baby! Swollen ankles, numb fingers, overheating and constant sweating which equals constant smelling really bad! I would often be greeted by my husband after work with “Hello stinky!” If I sat too close to my husband on the couch he would say “Can you move? I can feel the heat radiating from your body and it’s making me hot.” Gees! Am I not doing enough already? You move! :)
There are a million other side effects that contributed to my grouchiness throughout pregnancy, too many to list. One of my least favourite things about pregnancy was that all of a sudden everyone thinks they have the right to comment on your body. Especially strangers. “Oh you must be due any day now.” No, I still have two months to go. “Are you sure you don’t have two babies in there?” “Look at the stretch marks I have from when I was pregnant.” When you’re struggling to waddle around in the heat of summer, carrying a tonne of extra weight, the last thing you want is to be engaged in obligatory conversation with strangers.
The last week or two of pregnancy was the big killer for me. It was still quite hot, I was super uncomfortable and being the impatient person that I am, I absolutely HATED playing the waiting game. Everyday I would have people sending me messages or calling me asking if the baby was here yet. I’m sure I’ve done that to people before and I know they mean well, but it took everything within me to hold back my sarcasm. “Yes, I’ve had the baby, I just forgot to tell anyone.” I thought I was going to lose my mind. The plus side was that anytime I called hubby he would answer straight away! Normally if he was busy at work he wouldn’t answer, but I had him on standby 24 hours a day, which was kinda fun. Especially when I had insignificant questions to ask like “Can I wear one of your shirts?” Ha ha :). Anyway, the day arrived and my doctor said it was time to book me in for an induction. FINALLY bub was going to make his grand entrance into the world!
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