In pregnancy I had people tell me how babies love routine and how my baby will thrive having such a routine driven mother. I was really looking forward to it. I would get to create and maintain my own routine and my baby would apparently thrive on this. What a great team we would make!

The first few weeks at home with my newborn were really about survival. I thought about a routine but quickly realised it was too early to even think about that. At that stage he was feeding for one hour at a time and with very short breaks in between. This was not a routine I was keen to keep! So I waited for this stage to pass. As he eased up on his feeding needs, I started to write up some routine ideas for during the day. What a joke that turned out to be. Bub was not much interested in following my schedule, which I had so carefully planned out for him. So I would try again. And again. For starters he never woke at the same time each day. Not even close to the same time. Some mornings it was 6am, others 8am. So that would throw things out. Secondly, even if I stayed home and did the same things every day (which I did not want to be bound by), bub wouldn’t. I looked at other people who had their babies on a feeding and sleeping schedule. Their babies would feed and sleep at certain times every day. How are they doing this?!!! I observed bub carefully to see if he was in any sort of pattern that I could follow. Each day I would try to replicate what he had done the day before, thinking that I was following his cues. But he changed the program daily! When making plans with friends and family I would often get asked “Does that fit in with bub? When does he take a nap?” “Uh, there is no set time,” I would reply feeling like a not-so-great mother. Am I the only one that can’t get a schedule happening? Apparently babies love them, so I must not be doing a very good job!

After a few months I gave up. I realised I wasn’t going to get anywhere with my current approach so it was time to change tactics and let go of this need to have a strict routine. Instead of trying to lock my baby into a routine, I tried to learn him. I learned that if I went out to the shops or something like that, he wouldn’t ask for a feed as much as if we were at home. I guess the outside world was just too exciting. He was also a terrible feeder outside of the house in general. So to work in with this, whenever I was going out, I would make sure I gave bub a big feed just before I left. This sometimes meant stretching him out for a feed or feeding him a bit earlier than usual. It did meant I couldn’t go out for too long though as there was only so long he could go without a feed before getting extremely difficult to handle, but this wouldn’t last forever. When it came to sleeping I noticed he would get tired after about an hour and a half, although it also depended on the activities we did during his awake time and also the quality of sleep he was getting. I learned to become more aware of these things and how they affected him, and to make decisions according to all the different variables.

Taking this new approach definitely lessened the stress in my life. Once I started doing this I looked back and realised I had been quite stressed about the battle I faced every time I tried to feed him while I was out and about. I had also been quite fixated on getting him into a proper routine, as though that was some measure my mothering skills. After all, everyone else seemed to have their baby in a routine. But this new approach was working much better for me! And bub seemed to have no problem with it either.

So now, whatever happens during the night (good night or bad night) tends to set the pace for the day. Although I love routine, I must admit the flexibility I have in doing things this way really suits me! I’m not bound by certain times every day. I can work all of this around everything else going on in my life. And it’s not to the detriment of my child. The only thing we have been sort of strict on is his bedtime routine. Otherwise, for me, it’s really been about learning him and working in and around his constantly changing needs and patterns. So bub isn’t in a strict feeding and sleeping routine? Routine schmootine!

So now that I have a four-month-old baby, I’m pretty sure I have this whole thing down pat and can offer some excellent advice to other mums. LOL. I’m so kidding!!! I think the one thing I’ve learnt is that no one ever has it down pat. But if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, here is what I would tell pregnant me, to put me at ease:

1. No one can give you excellent advice with guaranteed solutions for your child. Every child is different.
2. When receiving advice, (and you will get this weather you ask for it or not) have an open mind. Take the advice as suggestions. Some will work. Some won’t. But it’s worth trying them out if you get stuck.
3. Trial and error. Don’t be afraid to try different things. Finding solutions for your problems is really about trial and error. If one thing doesn’t work, try something else and keep trying different things until something works. Even re visit previous solutions that didn’t work before. As your child grows, they may respond differently to things.
4. Don’t research every little possible thing or read a million books. It’s likely a waste of time and money. Your child will let you know what you need to look into. If you have a child that is not sleeping well through the night, then research it. If you have a colicy child, research that. If you have low breast milk supply, research that. But there are about a gazillion different things you could research prior to having your child and it’s unlikely you will need all of it. Obviously it’s good to have a rough idea but don’t bother getting too deep into everything. On the flip side, once you learn whatever your issues may be, DO research them. Don’t accept that you’re simply someone who has low supply. There are usually things you can do to improve your situation so do yourself a favour and find out what they are. Google, community nurse, other mums, your own mum. Exhaust your resources!
5. Accept that you can’t be prepared for everything. Most of your learning will be on the job. And that’s ok.
6. Always have a mental list of things you can cycle through with your child in situations that stress you out. For me that is a screaming baby in public or really just a screaming baby. I try rocking him for a period of time, then try burping him, then patting him on your shoulder, then bouncing him or a going for a walk in the pram and so on. When you’ve finished going through whatever your options may be and your child is still crying or doing whatever it is that stresses you (and you know they’re not sick or anything), start again. Which brings me to my next point.
7. Nothing lasts forever. Whatever hardship you’re facing with your child, remember that this is a phase and will not last forever. This is your life only for now. It’s for a season.
8. Don’t rule out any methods / techniques before you have your child. Every child is different (as you will hear a lot) and you don’t know what will and won’t work. Be familiar with ways of doing things such as having your baby cry it out as opposed to the no cry sleep solution, formula vs breastfeeding, dummy vs no dummy and so on. You never know what will work for your kid or what desperate measures will drive you to do. Be open-minded.
9. Take cues from your child. I have heard so many times things like ‘babies just love routine’ and ‘babies love to be wrapped’. In the wise words of my local community nurse, “Not all adults like routine or any one thing so why would all babies like the same thing?” I personally thrive with routine and would love to have one, but my kid isn’t interested in a strict routine. He does things differently depending on the circumstances. I just have to go with that. All I can do is learn him and do my best to work in with that.
10. Go with your gut. At the end of the day, you know what you can handle, your individual circumstances and you know your baby better than anyone – including medical professionals. Go with your gut.
11. You will make mistakes. That’s ok. This is part of the journey. Learn from them and move on. You’re doing the best you can and that is better than good enough. Good on you.
12. Expectations. So much upset in life comes down to expectations that weren’t met. Road rage for instance. Doesn’t that really come down to the fact that we expect everyone else to drive in a particular way? When they don’t, we get upset. Expectations are key! Before you have a baby, talk to people who have been there and ask them for the real deal, not the fluffy version. Adjust your expectations accordingly. This may mean having no expectations.

But like I said at the start, no one can really give you any guaranteed great advice, just suggestions. And that’s all this list is - suggestions. No doubt you could write a list of your own 12 and they would be very different. If nothing else, hopefully this has given you something to think about, provided you with an interesting read or given you a starting point for how you want to prepare for being a mum. Best of luck to the new mummies-to-be!