Prior to having a baby, hubby and I loosely discussed parental duties and how we thought they should be split up. We never really talked about them in detail or too seriously. In fact I think there was a lot of laughter when we talked about who would be doing what.

I have always thought that parental duties should be fairly evenly split. This is likely because that’s what was modeled to me when I was growing up. I don’t think anyone can split duties exactly down the middle but my parents did a good job of sharing duties. More specifically they did a great job of chopping and changing depending on what was happening at the time. If mum was really busy with work and got home late, then dad would pick up more duties at home and visa versa. There was very little that was specifically a male or female duty. I think mum even mowed the lawn a few times. I must say though, I don’t think my dad ever cleaned a toilet – that I know of. And my mum never did any ‘home improvement’ type jobs. Apart from that, everything was fairly interchangeable between them.

So here we are with a five month old and to be honest, it’s not really clear to me how best to split duties at this stage of life. I feel like for now, most of it is falling on me. Don’t get me wrong, hubby is an excellent husband and a very involved father. He’s super interested in our son and loves spending time with him. When he gets home after a long day at work, I like to give him half an hour to unwind from his day before I ask him to be on baby duty. He knows this, but most of the time he’ll come home and take bub to give me a break anyway.

On weekends, hubby will take bub first thing either Saturday or Sunday morning to give me a sleep in, which I look forward to all week long! But beyond that, there isn’t really anything clear about who should be doing what and when. Most of the time I’m passing bub off to hubby so I can cook or clean or tidy or research the latest problem with bub or do work of some sort. Once I asked hubby to take bub for a bit because I had some work I needed to do (it was probably writing this blog!) and when he saw me on Facebook he said “If I’m looking after bub, I don’t want to catch you on Facebook.”

This got me thinking. Why can I only have bub-free time if I’m doing a chore? Why shouldn’t I be on Facebook? He goes on Facebook. So then I started to think about what else I don’t have that he has. I never eat meals without a baby demanding of me, I don’t go to the toilet or shower without having the added pressure of trying to entertain bub. Anything I do, there’s always a baby at me for attention or wanting to be held. I’m not getting any time to myself. Sometimes when hubby gets home I’ll hand over bub so I can take a shower. Even if I’ve already showered that day, I do it because it’s the only time I have where I’m not on duty. So I make it long shower.

I often find myself jealously thinking about how hubby has probably enjoyed a quiet lunch while at work. Meanwhile bub has stayed quiet and happy long enough for me to make lunch, just not long enough for me to eat it. I scoff meals down so quickly now that I don’t think I even remember how to eat at a normal pace. I watch hubby get up in the morning with the first order of business being the loo followed by a shower. I used to do that. Now I’m lucky if I’ve showered by lunch and even luckier if I manage to brush my teeth at all during a day. I jealously watch hubby settle into time in front of his computer for the evening as I head off to start the sometimes two hour process of getting bub to sleep. I hear hubby hit snooze of a morning and wish I had a snooze button.

It seems that a lot is expected of us mums. We’re expected to manage making all the meals, doing weekly groceries, running errands, losing weight, doing the laundry, keeping on top of the house, picking up after a baby, picking up after hubby, generally looking after household admin, all on top of everything that comes with the huge responsibility of caring for a child/children.

I shouldn’t be too surprised that all of this is what’s expected though. Before I had a baby, a good friend of mine warned me. “When you’re a mum, you are always on. When you’re sick, no one will step in and take care of you. However, when ‘dad’ is sick, he’ll stay home and you’re expected to take care of him because the priority is getting him better and back to work - even if you’re sick. We mums suck it up and make do for everyone else's benefit.”

It’s that last sentence that stuck out to me. I’m not sure that’s what I had in mind when I signed up for this mum business. We suck it up and make do for everyone else’s benefit? Is that right?

But this is just one perspective. I’m sure we would get a very different story if this were written from a male’s point of view. Perhaps all of this comes down to that - perspective. Over the years I have watched friends and family become parents and see how quickly and easily their world gets so much smaller as their children understandably become their world, especially in the early years. Perhaps my world has shrunk too and seeing anything outside of my own difficulties is a bit hard some days. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay-at-home mum more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. As awesome as it is though, it’s a lot of hard work and at times it’s so incredibly draining that you have no idea how you’re going to get through the next hour, let alone the next day, week, month or year. But I’m sure we mums aren’t the only ones doing it tough throughout this stage of life. This too shall pass. Right?

What about you? How do you split responsibilities in your home and how did you come to that arrangement? Would love to hear from anyone willing to share!

Recently I decided that my baby not sleeping well during the day was not going to work for either of us long term. I felt like it was slowly eating away at my soul and soon I would have nothing left to give anyone. I wasn’t getting any down time at all, which translates to no sanity time. Entertaining a baby ALL day, every day, is so exhausting. Now that he was four months old, it was time to do something about it. So I dropped some major hints to my local community nurse and she offered to come and see if she could help. Prior to this visit from the nurse I was all over the place as far as trying to get bub down during the day. I would mostly sit him in the bouncer and bounce him to sleep. But he’d wake up when I stopped bouncing him. Alternatively I would rock him to sleep on me. Again, the second I stopped rocking or tried to put him down, he’d wake up. He would sleep in the pram or in the car, but I could not for the life of me get him to sleep without assistance. Long term I could see thing being a problem. Especially as it was my goal to eventually do some work from home. So once I hit the four-month mark I thought it was the perfect time for us both to learn how to get some day sleep happening in bub's cot.

The nurse arrived at my house at around 10.30am one fine Tuesday morning. She actually kept trying to pass me on to Tresillian but I didn’t think we were at that stage just yet. Anyway, we got to work straight away. My nurse, Kim, instructed me to simply put bub (who was rather sleepy) down in the cot. “What?” I whispered, “there’s no way he’ll do that.” “What do you usually do?” She asked. “I rock him in the chair, sing to him and then when he’s asleep I put him down. If I’m lucky he stays down for about five minutes.” “Oh no, don’t do all that. Just put him down and walk out of the room.”

Well, I had asked the nurse for help because what I had been doing wasn’t working, so I would be a fool not to try whatever she was suggesting. I submitted completely to everything she told me to do, even though I was a little skeptical as to whether it would work.

So I put bub down and walked out of the room. Of course he cried. She instructed me to leave him and we walked into the kitchen “So tell me about this blender,” Kim said. “Trying to distract me?” I questioned. She continued to do this for a few minutes. “See now, he’s not really escalating that much in his cries. Just let him go for a little longer. He’s obviously tired so he’ll go down.” Again, I was skeptical but did exactly as she instructed. After what felt like an eternity she instructed me to go in and pat him. “Where do I pat him?” “On his chest. I’ll do it so you can see.”

So we went into the room where my poor baby was crying. Kim patted him on the chest and also on the mattress next to his head. He didn’t seem to like that. I had actually tried the bed patting before and he hated it. She did it for a few minutes and then instructed me to have a go, ensuring I did not give any eye contact. “He needs to disengage so don’t give him eye contact.” He settled only slightly. She then instructed me to leave the room again. In which case he got worked up. We waited about five or 10 minutes and then went back in and repeated. “You’d better pick him up,” she said. Was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one that his tears were getting to. He settled immediately. I patted him for a little while and she instructed me to put him back down. And of course he started crying immediately. There was even a bit of tantrum in there as he kicked his legs in protest. I resumed the patting on his chest and on the bed next to his head. “He’s very determined not to sleep,” she said. I could tell she was being polite as I think what she really meant to say was that he’s being super stubborn.

We left the room and basically continued this pattern of letting him cry for a bit and then going in to pat him and so on. Each time his cries got less and less intense. Eventually, what felt like 10 hours later (ok, was actually only an hour), he was asleep. We both left the room and I silently prayed he was stay asleep.

We debriefed in the kitchen. “Ok, first up, it’s way too quiet here and bub is very sensitive to noise. He was almost asleep when a car drove by and that seemed to aggravated him.” “Oh I didn’t even hear that.” “It might be an idea to play some music or have some sort of noise constantly going.” This lady was originally from Sydney so of course she thought my peacefully small town was too quiet. She went on to say that she thought I had done a really good job as far as allowing him to cry as she could see how difficult it was for me. “I promise it will get better,” she encouraged, “give it a few days and provided you are consistent with it, you’ll see results. I promise.” There’s no way I would have had the confidence to do any of that without a professional present. I found her great in that she worked in with my baby and was taking note as to what worked with him and what didn’t. The bed patting ended up working, but I just had to be a lot more rough. The theme with him is that any sort of movement gets him to sleep so whacking the mattress seemed to settle him, oddly enough.

“You know, some days I just think I’m no good at my job,” Kim confided. “But then I hear from mums that this has actually worked for them. Provided they are consistent with it, they get results. So just give it a chance and you will see results.”

As mentally draining as the morning had been, watching my baby cry, knowing I could settle him simply by picking him up, there was no point going through any of that if I wasn’t willing to see it through. I decided I would keep going with this for a week and if there was no progress, I would drop it. Plus, bub stayed asleep for a full sleep cycle after this, which is the longest he has ever slept in his cot during the day.

That afternoon when I went to put bub down for his nap, I mentally had to psych myself up. The morning stint had really drained me. I felt like I’d run a marathon and here I was about to do it again. But to my surprise it only took half an hour this time. I did it again the next morning and it only took 15 minutes. Bub only ever stays asleep for one sleep cycle but I’ll take whatever I can get. Getting 40 minutes here and there is a lot better than what I had been getting.

Over time he slowly made more and more progress. He regressed when he was particularly cranky or teething, but for the most part he seemed to accept this was the deal now.

I can’t tell you how much this has changed my life. It was only once this started working that I realised how trapped and stressed out I had felt. All of a sudden I felt a huge weight lift. Not only that, I had been living in fear of the day naps, knowing that it was all work and very little reward. My daily mood totally changed. I felt like I was alive again!

We’re now at a place where he pretty well goes down with very minimal fuss in the morning, however, it’s still a bit of crying and patting in the afternoon. I tend to give up after half an hour of going in and out. If he’s not asleep by then, I will either put him in the pram, car or carrier, or take him into bed and have a nap myself.

There are so many television shows and documentaries (ok, it’s Dr Phil, yes I watch Dr Phil) that show parents who don’t want to say ‘no’ or discipline their child. The poor child ends up much worse off later in life because of it. So before I had a baby I told myself I need to regularly ask myself the question, ‘Am I doing this for my own needs or for the long term good of my child?’ Sure, saying ‘no’ may upset your child in the short term and make you feel terrible because they’re telling you that they hate you, but the long term consequences of making decisions because they make you feel good in the moment, are much worse. And that’s what allowed me to persist with this method of getting bub to sleep. I can see that it’s not for everyone, nor every baby, but it certainly has worked for us in our situation and for that we’re both grateful. If you feel like you’re out of options and need some sanity, use your resources and call in your local community nurse. It could change your life!

So to follow on from last week’s entry, I was encouraged to give the Lose Baby Weight shakes a go. I had seen these advertised and was rather skeptical. There are so many weight loss programs out there. How do you know what’s any good? Plus I’ve always been wary of any sort of shake diet. I’ve never tried one before but I have worked with people who have. I have watched them make up their shake and have it for lunch every day at work. “Does it taste good?” I would ask. “Not too bad,” they would shrug. It wasn’t exactly an overwhelming response and more importantly it didn’t appear to be sustainable long term. But I was pretty desperate and I think I had proven that I couldn’t do this only by my own efforts.

So after looking into the shakes I decided it was worth a try. I chatted to hubby about it. He was not keen at all. “Shakes? Really? Do you really think you need to do that? How much is this going to cost? You don’t need shakes. You just need to stop eating crap.” His response gave me reason to pause and think about it some more. But it wasn’t long before I heard my own sister’s words ringing in my ears. Shortly after I had a baby she was talking to me about how to handle different situations. I was saying that hubby didn’t always get it. “And he can’t get it. A lot of this journey you’re on is unfortunately something that hubby isn’t going to understand. It’s a very personal journey for you and you need to decide what is and isn’t ok for you. He can’t make a lot of these decisions or even have much input because he’s a guy and they just don’t and can’t understand the journey we women are on.” I decided I was going to get the shakes. I’m the one whose body had been trashed, I’m the one who is working her guts out to lose weight, I’m the one who looks in the mirror every day frustrated that I’m not losing weight, I’m the one that’s struggling with this. He’s a great encourager but I’m the one doing the work so I need to decide what I feel will help me reach my goal.

So I ordered the chocolate smoothie mix and got started on my new weight loss journey. “If you’re going to do this,” hubby said sternly, “then I better not catch you eating crap. Take this seriously and don’t waste what these shakes are supposed to be for you.” No problem! I was super motivated now because I felt like I had some help.

At this point I turned up the heat on my exercise. I went further, faster and more often. Even though I had taken a break from exercising, I was impressed with how fit I was compared to when I had initially started this journey. I decided to use the shakes to replace my lunch only. This was a meal I often struggled with because I wanted a sandwich or burger for lunch. I was trying to avoid the heaviness of bread and wheat so this was a great substitute. I was also using the shakes to help satisfy my chocolate craving and therefore help me to cut it out, or at least have it less.

When my starter pack arrived in the mail I was very excited! I went through the 28 day meal plan. I’ve never been very good at following a meal plan in detail. I knew that was not for me. But I had a look through it so that I could get a rough idea of what my meals should look like nutritionally. First up I noticed that the portion sizes were significantly less than what I had been eating. When you’re pregnant and breastfeeding, people tell you to eat as much as you want. So I would eat whenever I felt the desire to eat. Not necessarily when I was hungry though. This whole thing forced me to take a closer look at what I was eating. I realised I was snacking a lot and not because I was hungry, but because I was bored. I also got a good idea of what types of foods to avoid and the portion size a snack should be – only 15 seaweed Sakatas. Normally I would eat the whole packet. Oops! I implemented this new knowledge straight away.

I was pretty excited when I made my first shake. I looked through all the smoothie recipes and got a good idea as to what I could do with my shake in a way that I could change it up frequently and depending on what I had in the cupboard. The first shake I made was the Chocolate Coconut Surprise. Yummo! It was great and it did help to satisfy my chocolate craving. What I love about these smoothies is how it’s not just the protein powder and milk or water, like I have seen with others. You add varying combinations of fruit, some almond/oatmeal or LSA etc, yoghurt, shredded coconut or cinnamon and mix it all up. I don’t think I ever have the exact same shake. I love the variety because I get sick of something very quickly no matter how delicious it is, if I have it all the time. I was also quite impressed with how full I felt. When I finished slurping down my first shake, I thought “That was yummy. I could go another one right now.” But because of my recent education on portion sizes I of course did not indulge. I was a little skeptical about it filling me up though. But 10 minutes later I noticed that I did not feel hungry. Impressive!

Another great thing about the shakes is that on those days when I can’t think of something to eat or am too tired to make something healthy (where I would usually make something quick and unhealthy), a shake is my backup and it’s better for me than a quick, greasy and unhealthy meal. I also love the flexibility with this diet as I don’t feel like I have to be super strict with it. If I go out with friends for lunch I can skip the shake and not feel bad about doing that every now and then.

Within the first two weeks of having the shakes once a day and watching more closely what and how much I ate, I lost two kilos. I couldn’t believe it. The scales were finally starting to move!

I do have to say that I don’t think any shake alone will help anyone lose weight. It does have to be a combination of diet and exercise. I think I had the exercise part down, it was my diet that was holding me back. Sometimes it’s also a matter of being educated. In this instance for me, learning portion control, being mindful of what I was eating, the shakes and exercise, all contributed to my weight loss. Having said that, I am a little worried about reaching the ‘maintaining’ stage. It’s one thing to lose weight but to maintain it is a different thing. But I can’t tackle that problem until I get there. In the meantime I’m just trying to remind myself that this is a lifestyle change.

I’m now down to the final five kilos. I hear the final five are the hardest for people to lose. But with summer just around the corner, I’m more motivated than ever. Motivation plays such a huge role. The times I stopped exercising and watching what I ate were the times I felt most unmotivated. I also needed support outside of myself and that’s where the Lose Baby Weight stuff came into play. There’s a whole community of people out there just like me, trying to lose weight while balancing the duties of motherhood.

So here’s to the final five. Hope I can knock it over before summer hits! And more importantly – keep it off! Stayed tuned :)

I wonder if there is anyone out there who has put on more weight than I did in pregnancy? If you read my blog on pregnancy you’ll know that I put on over 50 per cent of my starting weight. In actual kilos I put on 32.5. That’s a lot of weight to get rid of when it’s all over. Fortunately the first 20 kilos just fell off all on their own. Part of that was all that comes out with birth and then I assume breastfeeding did the rest? But then I hit a wall. I had roughly 10 kilos to go and nothing was happening. I had the all clear form my doctor to exercise so it was time to get outside and off the couch!

I had been anticipating with excitement but dreading this all at once, for a long time. During pregnancy I didn’t do any exercise unless you count walking from my car to the office and back daily. Prior to pregnancy I was probably the fittest I’ve ever been. I was walking, running and swimming regularly. But due to some complications in trying to get pregnant, I stopped exercising altogether very abruptly. So not only did I have a lot of weight to lose, but I had some serious work ahead of me to simply regain my fitness. That was probably the hardest part of my whole weight loss journey. That and the fact that I’m incredibly impatient and expected the weight to drop off quickly. Ha ha. So naïve.

The first time I took bub out in the pram for a walk I couldn’t believe how unfit I was. I knew that the walk I was doing was pretty basic yet I was huffing and puffing all over the place. I started with a one kilometre loop and I chose a route that had me walking up as many hills as possible. I did this loop four or five times, every weekday for a few weeks and gradually got faster and less puffed. I remember early on when I was walking up a hill and could barely breath. A man out in his garden said “Come on, you can go faster than that.” I desperately wanted to say, “Hey, I just had a baby!” But I was too puffed to get any words out. Whenever stuff gets hard like this I usually just give up. But giving up was not an option. I had some stern words with myself, which covered having no clothes that fit me and not being able to do basic things in life such as cross my legs, squat or just run. Every time I felt like quitting I thought about these things. Sure I could have gone out and bought bigger clothes but then I would lose all motivation to drop the kilos. So I cycled through the one pair of maternity jeans, one pair of maternity shorts and a very limited supply of shirts. Every time I put them on I would get mad that I had no other clothing options and that would motivate me to go harder.

To my surprise and disappointment all this hard work was yielding very poor results. The scales were barely moving! How can this be? How can I drop 20 kilos with zero effort and drop nothing with all this exercise?! Frustration plus!

I was chatting with some friends about this and they told me straight up. “Walking isn’t going to do anything for your weight loss. You want to lose weight? You need to run.” Run? This was going to be difficult as I’m pretty sure I stuffed my knees in pregnancy. Carrying around an extra 30 kilos takes its toll. Plus I was quite sure my fitness levels were not quite up for running just yet. But I was keen to lose weight so I had to try.

Having always had a small build, running had never been a problem for me. But now that I had some jiggly milk makers, running was a whole new ball game. Gees, is this what it’s like for people with big boobs? Before I could start running I would have to invest in a good sports bra.

Once I got the sports bra, it was on! I started out on my first jog hoping to make it one kilometre. I’m not sure if it counts as jogging when your pace is slower than a fast walk, but it felt a lot harder than walking so I can only assume it was doing good. It has never been so hard in my life to do a basic jog. But I kept pushing myself knowing that I had to step it up if I wanted to make progress. You know when you push yourself in exercise to the point where your body wants to cry and you don’t really know why? That’s the point to which I pushed myself that day. I made it the one kilometre and was so out of breath I thought I might pass out. Although I was proud of my effort, I think I may have pushed too hard. So instead of doing that again I alternated between walking and jogging as far as I felt able, slowly trying to make that distance a bit longer.

I kept this up for a few more weeks, a combo of walking and jogging. I would hop on the scales about 10 times a day, or just any time I walked past the bathroom. I couldn’t believe how nothing was happening. I would complain to hubby and he would tell me that I was looking great. Blah blah blah. The scales weren’t moving so his words were empty to me and I told him so. “Stop looking at the scales!” He said annoyed. “I’m going to throw them in the bin. They aren’t a good indicator of all this work you’re doing. You need to measure yourself because you’re probably losing centimeters.” Whatever, I thought. If I was losing weight it would be reflecting it on the scales.

At around this point we got a bout of rain. It was only for a few days but was enough to discourage me from continuing with my daily exercise. In addition to this, I had also hurt my knees from all the jogging I was doing. So I took a break. A long break with no real intention of returning to exercise. What as the point? I wasn’t getting any results so why bother.

Every now and then hubby would subtly encourage me to get back out there. He’d call from work to see how I was going, “What are you up to today?” “Nothing I guess. Don’t really have anything on.” To which he would reply, “Why don’t you go out for a walk? You’re always happier when you’ve been out for a walk. And so is bub. It will do you both some good to get out of the house.” To which I would shrug and think, ‘can’t be bothered.’

I just had no motivation. It’s funny how we’re all motivated by different things. Sometimes it’s just a matter of finding that one thing that ignites the fire and gets us going. For me, this came from hubby giving it to me straight. One night I was sitting on the bed and hubby was in the bathroom. I don’t even remember how the topic came up. I was probably complaining about not being able to lose weight. What I do remember is that hubby said, “You know, I actually think you’ve put weight back on.” “What?!” I said, my jaw almost hitting the floor. “Yeah, you look puffy in the face and a bit pale.” “What?! Seriously? You really think I’ve put weight on?” I rushed to the mirror to have a closer inspection of myself. “Yep,” he said matter of factly. Then he added, “Because you’re not getting outside and in the sun, your skin is looking a bit pale too. And your diet is crap. You eat so much rubbish.”

This may sound a little harsh to many people but I think hubby knew this was just what I needed to hear. How dare I put weight back on! The next day I got back out there. It was pretty bad that I wasn’t losing weight, but to put it on is even worse! And he was right about my diet. It wasn’t that fantastic. The truth is that I don’t know how to diet. I’ve never had to do it before. And post pregnancy I have had some major chocolate cravings. I usually have severe chocolate cravings in the lead up to my time of the month which usually lasts about a week. But as my body is not back to it’s usual routine and hormones are probably not settled yet, I’m all over the place and have constantly been craving chocolate. I walk around feeling like I need chocolate to be able to breath, to live. That’s a hard temptation to fight.

But, all I could hear ringing in my ears were “You look like you’ve put weight on.” So I got back out there. I must admit, my heart was not in it though. I was really only doing it so I could tell hubby I was exercising and because I was horrified that I was putting weight back on. I didn’t believe that any of this exercise would help me lose weight though.

Something had to change… and it did. Big time. It all changed for me when I gave the Lose Baby Weight shakes a go. But my Lose Baby Weight journey is a story is for next week!