Prior to having a baby, hubby and I loosely discussed parental duties and how we thought they should be split up. We never really talked about them in detail or too seriously. In fact I think there was a lot of laughter when we talked about who would be doing what.
I have always thought that parental duties should be fairly evenly split. This is likely because that’s what was modeled to me when I was growing up. I don’t think anyone can split duties exactly down the middle but my parents did a good job of sharing duties. More specifically they did a great job of chopping and changing depending on what was happening at the time. If mum was really busy with work and got home late, then dad would pick up more duties at home and visa versa. There was very little that was specifically a male or female duty. I think mum even mowed the lawn a few times. I must say though, I don’t think my dad ever cleaned a toilet – that I know of. And my mum never did any ‘home improvement’ type jobs. Apart from that, everything was fairly interchangeable between them.
So here we are with a five month old and to be honest, it’s not really clear to me how best to split duties at this stage of life. I feel like for now, most of it is falling on me. Don’t get me wrong, hubby is an excellent husband and a very involved father. He’s super interested in our son and loves spending time with him. When he gets home after a long day at work, I like to give him half an hour to unwind from his day before I ask him to be on baby duty. He knows this, but most of the time he’ll come home and take bub to give me a break anyway.
On weekends, hubby will take bub first thing either Saturday or Sunday morning to give me a sleep in, which I look forward to all week long! But beyond that, there isn’t really anything clear about who should be doing what and when. Most of the time I’m passing bub off to hubby so I can cook or clean or tidy or research the latest problem with bub or do work of some sort. Once I asked hubby to take bub for a bit because I had some work I needed to do (it was probably writing this blog!) and when he saw me on Facebook he said “If I’m looking after bub, I don’t want to catch you on Facebook.”
This got me thinking. Why can I only have bub-free time if I’m doing a chore? Why shouldn’t I be on Facebook? He goes on Facebook. So then I started to think about what else I don’t have that he has. I never eat meals without a baby demanding of me, I don’t go to the toilet or shower without having the added pressure of trying to entertain bub. Anything I do, there’s always a baby at me for attention or wanting to be held. I’m not getting any time to myself. Sometimes when hubby gets home I’ll hand over bub so I can take a shower. Even if I’ve already showered that day, I do it because it’s the only time I have where I’m not on duty. So I make it long shower.
I often find myself jealously thinking about how hubby has probably enjoyed a quiet lunch while at work. Meanwhile bub has stayed quiet and happy long enough for me to make lunch, just not long enough for me to eat it. I scoff meals down so quickly now that I don’t think I even remember how to eat at a normal pace. I watch hubby get up in the morning with the first order of business being the loo followed by a shower. I used to do that. Now I’m lucky if I’ve showered by lunch and even luckier if I manage to brush my teeth at all during a day. I jealously watch hubby settle into time in front of his computer for the evening as I head off to start the sometimes two hour process of getting bub to sleep. I hear hubby hit snooze of a morning and wish I had a snooze button.
It seems that a lot is expected of us mums. We’re expected to manage making all the meals, doing weekly groceries, running errands, losing weight, doing the laundry, keeping on top of the house, picking up after a baby, picking up after hubby, generally looking after household admin, all on top of everything that comes with the huge responsibility of caring for a child/children.
I shouldn’t be too surprised that all of this is what’s expected though. Before I had a baby, a good friend of mine warned me. “When you’re a mum, you are always on. When you’re sick, no one will step in and take care of you. However, when ‘dad’ is sick, he’ll stay home and you’re expected to take care of him because the priority is getting him better and back to work - even if you’re sick. We mums suck it up and make do for everyone else's benefit.”
It’s that last sentence that stuck out to me. I’m not sure that’s what I had in mind when I signed up for this mum business. We suck it up and make do for everyone else’s benefit? Is that right?
But this is just one perspective. I’m sure we would get a very different story if this were written from a male’s point of view. Perhaps all of this comes down to that - perspective. Over the years I have watched friends and family become parents and see how quickly and easily their world gets so much smaller as their children understandably become their world, especially in the early years. Perhaps my world has shrunk too and seeing anything outside of my own difficulties is a bit hard some days. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay-at-home mum more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. As awesome as it is though, it’s a lot of hard work and at times it’s so incredibly draining that you have no idea how you’re going to get through the next hour, let alone the next day, week, month or year. But I’m sure we mums aren’t the only ones doing it tough throughout this stage of life. This too shall pass. Right?
What about you? How do you split responsibilities in your home and how did you come to that arrangement? Would love to hear from anyone willing to share!
I have always thought that parental duties should be fairly evenly split. This is likely because that’s what was modeled to me when I was growing up. I don’t think anyone can split duties exactly down the middle but my parents did a good job of sharing duties. More specifically they did a great job of chopping and changing depending on what was happening at the time. If mum was really busy with work and got home late, then dad would pick up more duties at home and visa versa. There was very little that was specifically a male or female duty. I think mum even mowed the lawn a few times. I must say though, I don’t think my dad ever cleaned a toilet – that I know of. And my mum never did any ‘home improvement’ type jobs. Apart from that, everything was fairly interchangeable between them.
So here we are with a five month old and to be honest, it’s not really clear to me how best to split duties at this stage of life. I feel like for now, most of it is falling on me. Don’t get me wrong, hubby is an excellent husband and a very involved father. He’s super interested in our son and loves spending time with him. When he gets home after a long day at work, I like to give him half an hour to unwind from his day before I ask him to be on baby duty. He knows this, but most of the time he’ll come home and take bub to give me a break anyway.
On weekends, hubby will take bub first thing either Saturday or Sunday morning to give me a sleep in, which I look forward to all week long! But beyond that, there isn’t really anything clear about who should be doing what and when. Most of the time I’m passing bub off to hubby so I can cook or clean or tidy or research the latest problem with bub or do work of some sort. Once I asked hubby to take bub for a bit because I had some work I needed to do (it was probably writing this blog!) and when he saw me on Facebook he said “If I’m looking after bub, I don’t want to catch you on Facebook.”
This got me thinking. Why can I only have bub-free time if I’m doing a chore? Why shouldn’t I be on Facebook? He goes on Facebook. So then I started to think about what else I don’t have that he has. I never eat meals without a baby demanding of me, I don’t go to the toilet or shower without having the added pressure of trying to entertain bub. Anything I do, there’s always a baby at me for attention or wanting to be held. I’m not getting any time to myself. Sometimes when hubby gets home I’ll hand over bub so I can take a shower. Even if I’ve already showered that day, I do it because it’s the only time I have where I’m not on duty. So I make it long shower.
I often find myself jealously thinking about how hubby has probably enjoyed a quiet lunch while at work. Meanwhile bub has stayed quiet and happy long enough for me to make lunch, just not long enough for me to eat it. I scoff meals down so quickly now that I don’t think I even remember how to eat at a normal pace. I watch hubby get up in the morning with the first order of business being the loo followed by a shower. I used to do that. Now I’m lucky if I’ve showered by lunch and even luckier if I manage to brush my teeth at all during a day. I jealously watch hubby settle into time in front of his computer for the evening as I head off to start the sometimes two hour process of getting bub to sleep. I hear hubby hit snooze of a morning and wish I had a snooze button.
It seems that a lot is expected of us mums. We’re expected to manage making all the meals, doing weekly groceries, running errands, losing weight, doing the laundry, keeping on top of the house, picking up after a baby, picking up after hubby, generally looking after household admin, all on top of everything that comes with the huge responsibility of caring for a child/children.
I shouldn’t be too surprised that all of this is what’s expected though. Before I had a baby, a good friend of mine warned me. “When you’re a mum, you are always on. When you’re sick, no one will step in and take care of you. However, when ‘dad’ is sick, he’ll stay home and you’re expected to take care of him because the priority is getting him better and back to work - even if you’re sick. We mums suck it up and make do for everyone else's benefit.”
It’s that last sentence that stuck out to me. I’m not sure that’s what I had in mind when I signed up for this mum business. We suck it up and make do for everyone else’s benefit? Is that right?
But this is just one perspective. I’m sure we would get a very different story if this were written from a male’s point of view. Perhaps all of this comes down to that - perspective. Over the years I have watched friends and family become parents and see how quickly and easily their world gets so much smaller as their children understandably become their world, especially in the early years. Perhaps my world has shrunk too and seeing anything outside of my own difficulties is a bit hard some days. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay-at-home mum more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. As awesome as it is though, it’s a lot of hard work and at times it’s so incredibly draining that you have no idea how you’re going to get through the next hour, let alone the next day, week, month or year. But I’m sure we mums aren’t the only ones doing it tough throughout this stage of life. This too shall pass. Right?
What about you? How do you split responsibilities in your home and how did you come to that arrangement? Would love to hear from anyone willing to share!
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