All throughout my pregnancy, I imagined exclusively breast feeding. I never really thought anything of my funny shaped breasts, just thought that because my mum had basically no breast tissue at all that I had inherited that. When I got put into post natal ward, I was finally holding her for the first time and the midwife came in and immediately told me to put her down so I don't 'spoil' her too much with too many cuddles. So I immediately didn't feel bonded to her. I finally got to feeding her, and she latched like a pro. After losing 13% of her body weight and absolutely screaming night after night in hospital, it was recommended to give formula and within 5 minutes of having that she was sound asleep. I was absolutely devasted that I could not pump more than 5ml or EBF. I went home with a SNS (Supplemental Nursing System), but it was so overwhelming for me, with not much support from my midwives who kept telling me to bottle feed her because of my PND. I ended up using it for 8 weeks, but finally starting bottle feeding and pumping, taking Motillium 4 times a day. I did see an increase to pumping about 35ml, but she had refused the breast at 12 weeks (I would put her on when she was upset, but not for an actual feed as she just fussed and I couldn't deal with the rejection and not having enough milk to give her). At 13 weeks I stopped pumping and taking motillium (I had gained 10kgs since her birth from it and was in a dangerous weight zone). I really wanted to continue to pump, but with her rejecting it, i felt like such a failure and like it wouldn't make much difference anyway. So now, at 8 months post birth, I think I have finally come to terms with my condition, and have begun to make peace with it all. Yes, I will never exclusively breast feed any future children. Yes, I will always need formula. Yes, I will probably feel sad when I bottle feed my newborns in the hospital. But I will always, ALWAYS love my children, and that is more important than what kind of milk goes into my babies tummies. Love will never fail them.

I was 23 weeks pregnant when I checked Facebook one morning and saw a competition run by 'Adelaide Baby Bargains'. It was to win a free course with your husband (or partner/support person) on Hypnobirthing. I had already looked into Hypnobirthing as a close friend of mine swore by it and gave me her books (the Marie Mongan Method) and I had started listening to the CD myself, thinking I'd never be able to afford classes ($600.. I don't think so!). All I had to do was email ABB and tell them why I deserved to win the classes. I emailed and said how I suffered pretty severe anxiety and wanted to be able to have a calm, natural water birth. I got an email back a couple of hours later saying 'Sorry you didn't win'. Bummer.

A day later, I got an email from ABB saying the lady from Hypnobirthing had a special offer for me (she had read my email and wanted to give us something special). If we bought the Marie Mongan book ($32), we could go along for free to her Hypnobirthing course. I was ELATED. FREE Hypnobirthing classes! Who cares that I already had the book. I was going to learn how to have a calm, pain free birth, all for the price of $32! Yes please!

A couple of weeks later, we sat in her living room with two other couples. They were both further along than me by about a month or so. It was lovely, with comfy chairs, relaxing music and dim lights. We introduced ourselves and started by watching a couple of Hypnobirths on the tv. So calm. No screaming. No fear. Just plain, calm, natural birthing. I KNEW this was what I wanted.

After 6 classes, over a couple of months, and lots (and LOTS!) of practising with the CD every single night, I felt somewhat calm about the upcoming birth. I was excited. I was confident. Even my husband was confident and suggested we try a water birth. Sounds good to me.

I loved my birth experience, and I put it down to Hypnobirthing. Coming from someone who researched basically everything that could go wrong in birth in my first trimester, to having severe anxiety, the birth experience I had was a dream. I even use Hypnobirthing for my anxiety, as I can relax my body and mind in just a couple of seconds. It's great to help you go to sleep too. I highly recommend Hypnobirthing (and Instinctual Birthing).

Breastfeeding.. well, that's another story.

My due date, 18th October 2012, was a day with lots of emotions. I hadn't felt any contractions whatsoever my whole pregnancy, and nothing changed this day either.
I went for a long walk down the street with my husband after he finished work, but other then feeling tired and uncomfortable, nothing happened. I had tried eating pineapple, rubbing clary sage oil on my tummy and wrists, walking, sex from 37 weeks and I had been taking Raspberry Leaf tablets since 35 weeks.

That night, at about 10.30pm, we decided to go to bed, but before we did we started both doing pelvic tilts, and dancing around the lounge room to get our babies head down. It was such a laugh seeing my husband copy me with pelvic
exercises. After that we went to bed.
1.30am the next morning, I was woken to some mild to moderate cramping. I asked for a heat pack and tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. I didn't realise I was having small contractions, as they just felt like cramping and the feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom, which I did, but nothing happened. I remember feeling frustrated for some reason, as I honestly didn't think I was contracting at all, just having some small pains. I woke my husband once again and decided to try a hot shower to ease the pain. It worked to a degree, but the pains were still there.

After a few hours of getting in and out of the shower, I rang my mum at 6am and asked if we could come over there as we only had very limited hot water. She was super excited when I explained my pains, but I wasn't as I didn't think anything major was happening. She asked us to come over before 7am so she could see me before she went to work (Yep, she was so very excited). We got there at 7am after running around at home packing our labour bags 'just in case'. The pains were starting to hurt a little more, but not enough to think 'Oh, I'm in labour'. I tried sleeping again, but was woken with a pain every 20 minutes, which was frustrating aswell because I was tired. My husband took the day off of work, as I didn't want to be alone at mums all day when I didn't feel well. I think I realised I was in labour around lunch time, when I started timing the contractions and realising that they were consistant and that the pain had a 'peak'. I tried a hot bath, but found I couldn't move enough in it, so once again, I was in and out of the hot shower. I took some panadeine extra, but that didn't seem to do much.

My mum came home at 5pm and I was really starting to hurt. The contractions were about 5-7 minutes apart, and I decided to call my midwife to see what she wanted me to do. My midwife said that she would ring me in the morning, that this phase of labour can take days, take some panadeine extra and go to bed. I was so mad that this wasn't labour because it hurt. I remember telling my husband that if I wasn't in labour now, then I'll be getting an epidural as these pains hurt and I couldn't imagine the real contractions (My birth plan was waterbirth with no drugs).

My mum and dad decided to go grocery shopping at 6.30pm, and Dallen and I starting watching some TV, but I couldn't take the pain anymore and jumped back in the shower. Mum and Dad got home at 7.30 and I rang my midwife again because I was timing the contractions to be 3 minutes apart and 50 seconds long. The midwife who answered asked if I could wait until 9pm to come in because my primary midwife would take that long to come in. That really ticked me off because why would I be ringing now if I could wait until 9pm!? I agreed anyway, but by 8.30pm we decided to leave because I was really in pain and felt so much pressure down there that I thought I needed to push soon. The car ride there I kept saying 'What if they send me home? I don't want to go home!'

We got to Womans Assesment and I had to wait in the waiting room till 9pm when my midwife got there. I tried not to
scream during the contractions but they were really strong. Sharon (my midwife) finally got there and took me to a room to do an internal. She told me to try and lie still, but it wasn't as easy as that. She checked me and started writing notes in my book, but didn't say anything. My mum finally went "Well, is she dialated?!' and Sharon casually said 'Oh yeah, 5 cm'. Mum looked at me and said 'Whoa! Good job!' 

I'm really in labour?!' We then had to go up to level 3 to the birth centre, because I wanted to try a water birth. I laboured in the shower in the room while they filled up the tub, and my student midwife Emma came. After waiting for what seemed like hours, Emma finally said the tub was ready, but she had to quickly check babies heart beat. It took her forever to find and I was so angry as I wanted to get in the water. Finally, I got in the tub and tried to find a comfortable position. After a while I asked for gas. They accidently gave me an empty tank of gas.
 
At about 11.45pm I said I needed to push. I started pushing and Mum and my husband got really excited. I asked for an epidural, but my midwife said 'Well, labour wards full, so you can't have one'. I knew I didn't really want to have one, and that I would be really disappointed if I had had one, but I remember feeling so upset when she said that. Sharon then joked and said I could pick my babys birthday, if I pushed fast it would be the 19th, or the 20th. I pushed the head out, and I remember just staring down at it just floating between my legs. Emma said 'Your baby has your hair!'. I then waited for the next contraction and pushed her body out. A massive sense of relief came over me as it was finally over. Then I hear Sharon go 'Are you going to pick your baby up?'.. She was just floating in the water and I quickly scooped her out and held her. She was purple, and so very loud as soon as she was out of the water. My husband cut the cord once it had stopped pulsing, then I got out the tub, handed her to my husband and went to the bed to birth the placenta. I only had a graze that didn't require stitches.

My beautiful baby girl, born 20th October at 12.10am, 7lb 0oz, 49.5cm long and so beautiful.       

Hi there! I'm so excited to be writing this blog for all you mums out there.

A little about myself - I'm 20 years old, have a beautiful baby daughter and an amazing husband. We were married in 2011 and although we were young, it has been the best time of my life!

I am a Mormon. That is, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Family is everything to us, and we believe that family is eternal and central to Gods plan.

I don't believe that 'one' way of parenting works for everyone. I am a strong believer of 'If it works for you, keep doing it!'

I love photography and taking photos of my main subject - my little munchkin!

I enjoy making other people smile. Random acts of kindness can go a long way.

Basically, I'm just your average woman trying to survive this craziness they call Motherhood!