In pregnancy I had people tell me how babies love routine and how my baby will thrive having such a routine driven mother. I was really looking forward to it. I would get to create and maintain my own routine and my baby would apparently thrive on this. What a great team we would make!
The first few weeks at home with my newborn were really about survival. I thought about a routine but quickly realised it was too early to even think about that. At that stage he was feeding for one hour at a time and with very short breaks in between. This was not a routine I was keen to keep! So I waited for this stage to pass. As he eased up on his feeding needs, I started to write up some routine ideas for during the day. What a joke that turned out to be. Bub was not much interested in following my schedule, which I had so carefully planned out for him. So I would try again. And again. For starters he never woke at the same time each day. Not even close to the same time. Some mornings it was 6am, others 8am. So that would throw things out. Secondly, even if I stayed home and did the same things every day (which I did not want to be bound by), bub wouldn’t. I looked at other people who had their babies on a feeding and sleeping schedule. Their babies would feed and sleep at certain times every day. How are they doing this?!!! I observed bub carefully to see if he was in any sort of pattern that I could follow. Each day I would try to replicate what he had done the day before, thinking that I was following his cues. But he changed the program daily! When making plans with friends and family I would often get asked “Does that fit in with bub? When does he take a nap?” “Uh, there is no set time,” I would reply feeling like a not-so-great mother. Am I the only one that can’t get a schedule happening? Apparently babies love them, so I must not be doing a very good job!
After a few months I gave up. I realised I wasn’t going to get anywhere with my current approach so it was time to change tactics and let go of this need to have a strict routine. Instead of trying to lock my baby into a routine, I tried to learn him. I learned that if I went out to the shops or something like that, he wouldn’t ask for a feed as much as if we were at home. I guess the outside world was just too exciting. He was also a terrible feeder outside of the house in general. So to work in with this, whenever I was going out, I would make sure I gave bub a big feed just before I left. This sometimes meant stretching him out for a feed or feeding him a bit earlier than usual. It did meant I couldn’t go out for too long though as there was only so long he could go without a feed before getting extremely difficult to handle, but this wouldn’t last forever. When it came to sleeping I noticed he would get tired after about an hour and a half, although it also depended on the activities we did during his awake time and also the quality of sleep he was getting. I learned to become more aware of these things and how they affected him, and to make decisions according to all the different variables.
Taking this new approach definitely lessened the stress in my life. Once I started doing this I looked back and realised I had been quite stressed about the battle I faced every time I tried to feed him while I was out and about. I had also been quite fixated on getting him into a proper routine, as though that was some measure my mothering skills. After all, everyone else seemed to have their baby in a routine. But this new approach was working much better for me! And bub seemed to have no problem with it either.
So now, whatever happens during the night (good night or bad night) tends to set the pace for the day. Although I love routine, I must admit the flexibility I have in doing things this way really suits me! I’m not bound by certain times every day. I can work all of this around everything else going on in my life. And it’s not to the detriment of my child. The only thing we have been sort of strict on is his bedtime routine. Otherwise, for me, it’s really been about learning him and working in and around his constantly changing needs and patterns. So bub isn’t in a strict feeding and sleeping routine? Routine schmootine!
The first few weeks at home with my newborn were really about survival. I thought about a routine but quickly realised it was too early to even think about that. At that stage he was feeding for one hour at a time and with very short breaks in between. This was not a routine I was keen to keep! So I waited for this stage to pass. As he eased up on his feeding needs, I started to write up some routine ideas for during the day. What a joke that turned out to be. Bub was not much interested in following my schedule, which I had so carefully planned out for him. So I would try again. And again. For starters he never woke at the same time each day. Not even close to the same time. Some mornings it was 6am, others 8am. So that would throw things out. Secondly, even if I stayed home and did the same things every day (which I did not want to be bound by), bub wouldn’t. I looked at other people who had their babies on a feeding and sleeping schedule. Their babies would feed and sleep at certain times every day. How are they doing this?!!! I observed bub carefully to see if he was in any sort of pattern that I could follow. Each day I would try to replicate what he had done the day before, thinking that I was following his cues. But he changed the program daily! When making plans with friends and family I would often get asked “Does that fit in with bub? When does he take a nap?” “Uh, there is no set time,” I would reply feeling like a not-so-great mother. Am I the only one that can’t get a schedule happening? Apparently babies love them, so I must not be doing a very good job!
After a few months I gave up. I realised I wasn’t going to get anywhere with my current approach so it was time to change tactics and let go of this need to have a strict routine. Instead of trying to lock my baby into a routine, I tried to learn him. I learned that if I went out to the shops or something like that, he wouldn’t ask for a feed as much as if we were at home. I guess the outside world was just too exciting. He was also a terrible feeder outside of the house in general. So to work in with this, whenever I was going out, I would make sure I gave bub a big feed just before I left. This sometimes meant stretching him out for a feed or feeding him a bit earlier than usual. It did meant I couldn’t go out for too long though as there was only so long he could go without a feed before getting extremely difficult to handle, but this wouldn’t last forever. When it came to sleeping I noticed he would get tired after about an hour and a half, although it also depended on the activities we did during his awake time and also the quality of sleep he was getting. I learned to become more aware of these things and how they affected him, and to make decisions according to all the different variables.
Taking this new approach definitely lessened the stress in my life. Once I started doing this I looked back and realised I had been quite stressed about the battle I faced every time I tried to feed him while I was out and about. I had also been quite fixated on getting him into a proper routine, as though that was some measure my mothering skills. After all, everyone else seemed to have their baby in a routine. But this new approach was working much better for me! And bub seemed to have no problem with it either.
So now, whatever happens during the night (good night or bad night) tends to set the pace for the day. Although I love routine, I must admit the flexibility I have in doing things this way really suits me! I’m not bound by certain times every day. I can work all of this around everything else going on in my life. And it’s not to the detriment of my child. The only thing we have been sort of strict on is his bedtime routine. Otherwise, for me, it’s really been about learning him and working in and around his constantly changing needs and patterns. So bub isn’t in a strict feeding and sleeping routine? Routine schmootine!
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